My friends and I often play a game at parties where we count the number of questions people ask us about ourselves. Maybe you are not surprised that it is really rare to meet people who ask many questions at all, let alone questions about the person they are talking to.

I remember chatting to a man at a friend’s party once – he was a very interesting chap and I asked him loads of questions about his life. We talked for ages. I laughed the next day when my friend called me and said that the chap had said what an interesting person I was. He hadn’t found out a thing about me!

In this fascinating talk by Daniel Goleman he talks about empathy and compassion and how important ‘you’ questions are in making real and genuine contact with other people. He tells a funny story of a woman who is looking for a partner and she devises a test that determines whether she will see a prospective partner again. She simply measures how long it takes for him to ask a question with the word ‘you’ in it. It’s a funny story but with a really important message. If we are to really get to know someone, to engage them and to even have a chance of understanding them, we first have to get curious and ask them questions about themselves.

There is a whole big industry developing around the topic of employee engagement. In my experience organisations sometimes over-complicate the issue. A good starting point is simply getting interested in people which is surely is a cornerstone of good management.

Sally

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